It's been a while, hasn't it? An entire month has passed since my last blog post, and my website seems dead now. But now that Spring Semester is almost done for, I will try to get back to doing shit on here. I just got done with a final yesterday (typing this at 12:30 am) and I will have one tomorrow. Study, study, study. And then I will be free on May 2nd. I just hope that everything will turn out to be okay.

I think I have come to a point where I ran out of things to enjoy. I have not really been able to make friends (aside from one dude I met in precalculus, who is even more of a bookworm then I am) because aside from him I haven't really found people who are like me. Or maybe it's just that I'm bad at meeting people. It's a thing I had since like middle school, me being super shy and anxious about being judged. Anyways, video games interest me less and less, walking around the campus becomes tiresome and gets boring (walking around in my neighborhood, in contrast, always makes me feel a bit better), and it's been raining like hell for the past 3-4 days, which means I can't practice skateboarding. Being forced to stay inside because of the shitty weather drives me up the wall. It's like a prison in this dorm, because of how small it is. I don't want to be in here, it makes me claustrophobic. I would rather be out in a more peaceful area; I'm just tired of all the noise and cars and concrete and asphalt. I don't romanticize living out a Ted Kaczynski lifestyle because I'm edgy, I just want to get away from all the noise and live a simple life. Is that too much to ask for? But I have some internal problems of my own. I have been fighting demons, and it has been a long struggle, laziness being the strongest out of all of them. Perhaps this has been something which had been developed within me, but if I am not immediately good at something, my brain refuses to continue its interest in it. Why? I don't know. I'm sure many others can relate to this problem, I know it's self-destructive, yet it happens. Because the mind works in strange ways. If I were a rational being I would hold onto the tradition of "start at the beginning and work your way up". But no, I try to find shortcuts, and I get so wrapped up in finding shortcuts that I forget to even start. As a result, it's so hard for me to learn things, even as basic as a simple program. And yet, there are so much hobbies I could choose from, from guitars to drawing to skipping rocks to taking walks. But I don't want to put those 1000 hours into it, or practice everyday, and yet because of this I miss out. But I guess I have to start somewhere, right?
Another demon I have been fighting is dropping old bad habits. I will not say explicity on what they are, but they could probably be guessed pretty easily, judging by what I will type next. These habits are even more self-destructive than laziness, they are habits which sink you deeper and deeper into debauchery. They twist your world view, and make you see things as different than what they really are, for the worse. They fry your dopamine receptors. They make you enjoy things less, because you want to chase that high so easily. By the way, I don't have any drug addictions. Can you guess what it is by now? It is of my highest imperative to completely destroy this old habit in particular, along with many more, and replace it with something better, such as reading or drawing, or both.
My third and final demon here is the lack of self-confidence, and this has grown out of the previous two. If I kill the previous two, this one will die along with them. But what it essentially is, is that the previous two have hindered me from accomplishing things I've wanted to do, and as a result, I have become insecure. And this jumps into a cycle of waning confidence which leads to more self-destructive habits, and back again. And self-awareness may be the first step, but it is utterly and completely useless if I don't act upon it. That is the hardest step, the highest mountain to climb. But me coming out of this vicious cycle requires scaling that mountain, and I will have to do it if I don't want to sink deeper and deeper.